Jul 11, 2020
INTENTIONAL IMPACT
Whether we’re intentional about it or not, we influence the teens in our life. And I would say our actions, rather than our words, have the most impact.
And to have the maximum impact, intentionality – whether in teaching or in parenting – is crucial when you want to influence your teens in a positive way.
Which means you have to know what you believe and what your values are – and live them – if you want to make a big impact on your teens.
IF YOU DON’T STAND FOR SOMETHING, YOU’LL FALL FOR ANYTHING
This quote that I used in my Civics classroom every year still rings true for me today. Whether in the context of middle school teacher or parent, if I don’t know what I believe, what I value, then it’s hard to stay anchored – there’s no place for me to put a stake in the ground and say, “THIS. This is what I believe, this is what I stand for, this is what I want for you, the teens entrusted to my care.”
Which may be okay with you – but for me, I need more. And I think our teens need more too. I think there’s a part in all of us that need a purpose – something more than ourselves that drives us to be better, do better, and to contribute in a meaningful way.
HOW DO YOU WANT TO IMPACT YOUR TEENS?
For me, it’s a drive that ignites this desire to guide and impact the next generation, to share the wisdom of experience, and to open the doors of critical thinking for the teens in my life.
If you’ve found your way here, to In the Middle of It, I have a feeling that you may feel that way too – this spark inside you that longs to contribute to something more. To show up for your teens in a way that inspires and encourages, and creates an impact.
Doing that well – positively influencing your teens – doesn’t just happen. It takes intention, thought, and clarification.
QUESTIONS AND CLARIFICATION
Now, if you’re like me, you may not have realized this until you were questioned. Why do you do things the way you do? What is it that you believe that makes you require your kids to use good manners? To stand up for the underdog? Or to be respectful of the adults in their lives?
My own kids were fairly young when their questions started – some of you may be familiar with the “whys” that start when your kids hit about 3 years old. When they’re that young, it’s much easier, because they mostly accept your simple explanations, and “because I said so” works in a pinch.
But teens? Not so much.
KNOW WHAT YOU KNOW
So if you’re not sure what your values and beliefs are – you just know you have them, and that you do things the way you do because it’s “right” then this episode is for you.
I have two questioners – both my teens are quick to point out when something doesn’t make sense to them or conflicts with something I’ve said at a previous time, and ask for an explanation. This is something we’ve worked on – all of us. Me, because initially, their questioning came across as sass and defiance – I had to recognize it for what it actually was – a desire for things to make sense. Them, learning to question with curiosity rather than challenge.
The thing is, it’s really difficult for me to come up with answers on the fly. So when my teens challenge something I’ve said or requested or required, if they question me, I’m not often good on my feet. I tend to want to default to “because I said so” and before the words even finish coming out, I want to slap a hand over my mouth, because who wants to be that parent?
Not me.
I found that to be able to confidently answer in the moment, I have to really know – like, know that I know that I know - what I believe and value.
When I can do that, when I have this standard for lack of a better word, that I can refer back to, it makes it soooo much easier to make – and explain – decisions. And most importantly – to LIVE OUT what those things are. And, total bonus, it’s cut down on a lot of the questioning, because my kids know what our family values and beliefs are.
5 KEY AREAS I WHERE I WANT TO IMPACT & INFLUENCE MY TEENS
For me, nailing down 5 different areas has been super helpful: family identity, faith, traditions, discipline, sex.
Family Identity
What is it that you want your kids to feel like in your home? For me, I want my kids to know our home is a place they belong, without question. Nothing they can do or not do, say or not say, can change how much we love them. Period. This is their safe place. We’ve built this with strategies like a family name – the Kelly Kids – and doing things together like game nights, vacations, and keeping traditions (which I’ll talk about in a sec.)
Faith
What do you believe about a higher power? For our family, we are Christians and believe that Jesus is God’s son, and he came to earth and died for us to be reconciled to God and have a personal relationship with him. For us, it’s not about checking boxes and “doing” the “right” things – it’s about a relationship with Christ, and him working in and through us.
Traditions
How are you going to celebrate special occasions in your life? Not just holidays and birthdays, but stuff like the first and last days of school, and other milestones. Some of these might be things you did growing up as a kid with your own family, others might evolve. For us, besides the “typical” stuff, we have a tradition of choosing a Christmas ornament whenever we travel – so when we decorate our tree together each year, we’re also reminiscing about the trips and adventures we’ve been on together.
Values & Discipline
What are the hills you’re willing to die on? The values that are most important to you? And how are you going to handle when your kids don’t live them? Because it’s not if, it’s when. So, for us, our big ones are honesty and trust, kindness, respect, and consideration. We made it clear when our kids were very young that if they told us the truth, we could have mercy with them in a way we couldn’t if they lied. We help them frame every decision as an opportunity to build or break trust. And how we treat each other is very important.
Discipline in our house is using whatever currency we have with each kid and trying to make the consequence fit the crime. Aren’t being kind to your sibling? No time with friends until you can treat your sibling with the same courtesy and consideration as you treat a friend.
Sex
How are you going to talk about sex with your kids? We realized early on that our kids were going to find out about sex – it’s everywhere in the media, not to mention the things they talk about with their friends. For our family, that started with Philip and me getting as comfortable talking about penises and vaginas as we were talking about elbows and knees. And bringing up topics before our kids asked, especially when opportunities presented themselves. Which happened more frequently than you might imagine, again, given the media.
Decided what are values are around sex and communicating that, and reminding them that again, there is nothing they can do or not do, be or not be that will make us love them any more or any less.
Our goal, early on, was for our teens to be so comfortable with talking about sex that they come to us without even thinking about it. Which given the experience we’ve had with our teens, might have been a little – okay, a lot! – lofty. But even though they roll their eyes, they know that we’re going to go there. Which means they can too when they choose to.
SPECIFIC IMPACT – AND LOTS OF GRACE
Getting very specific and deliberate about our Family Identity, Faith, Traditions, Values and Discipline, and Sex has created our family culture and given us guideposts for parenting our kids and for being. able to answer their questions on the fly.
But let me be very clear here – these are the goals, not the rules. We fall short all the time when it comes to living up to our values in these 5 areas – and our teens are SO QUICK to call us on even the slightest hint of hypocrisy. So please, please, don’t take this as a list of things that you have to check off to be a great person or parent. It’s mainly a list of aspirations. So – and those of you who’ve been with me for a while know what I’m about to say here! – have grace with yourself and with your teens.
Let this be fluid, and for sure, be open to changing some of these. I’ll be the first to admit that the things we value and hold dear look very different now than they did 10 years ago. It’s changed as our family has grown – yours will too.
IT’S NEVER TOO LATE
And if you’re worried that the ship has sailed on doing this for and with your family, well, there’s a reason that “it’s never too late” is a cliché. Because it’s not. You can start in this moment, and be transparent with your teens about your process. Because these are things they’ll want to define for themselves too – it’s a huge part of stepping into yourself, this defining of who you are, what you believe, and how you feel about important things.
INTENTIONAL IMPACT AND CO-PARENTING
The other piece of this that I’d like to address for a hot second is co-parenting. Because you might be thinking, “yeah, but what about my kids’ other parent?” Whether you are parenting your kids with a spouse or partner, an ex-spouse or partner, a grandparent, or whatever, you will most probably find that the way you flesh out these different areas – family identity, faith, traditions, values & discipline, and sex – is very different than the way your parenting partner does. I’m going to go out on a limb and say that’s going to be the case for most people who are parenting together – it’s totally normal.
And it can be a huge friction point.
If that’s the case for you – or even if it’s not friction so much as not knowing how to have the conversation – then I have a resource for you that I’m SUPER excited about.
THE SAME WAVELENGTH
I’m offering a live workshop called The Same Wavelength, where I’m going to walk you and your parenting partner through a whole process to define these things and get into alignment in these areas, and more. There are a limited number of spots, so be sure to check out the link in the “Referenced in This Episode” section below to learn more about it.